Is Your Love Story A B-Movie?

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As a concept, it’s a fantastic script. Two star crossed lovers wounded by a past littered with one failed relationship after another. Life gives them one last battle to fight: the battle to find each other.

It’s a sweeping, soaring, tear-fest of two people hampered by fate and shackled to a future they can’t yet see but which they both know lies somewhere just beyond their immediate reach. It’s Gable and Leigh, Bogart and Bergman, Tracy and Hepburn. It’s Keira Knightley and Andrew Lincoln in that scene in Love Actually. Except in your version, Keira doesn’t let him walk away.

You have the script and, because this is your love story, you have a ready-made cast. It’s an epic romantic blockbuster destined to smash all box office records.

The only problem is that your subconscious has been tasked with job of directing it.

As the director of your personal movie, your subconscious is more Quentin Tarantino than, say, Steven Spielberg. It’s opinionated and often comes with its own agenda, drawing on your past experiences to inform your present and future. If you grew up in a house of drama, your subconscious is more likely to push you toward dramatic love and tempestuous hit-and-run run hook-ups. 

More potent – and therefore emotionally dangerous – is that your inner Tarantino is also usually trying to resolve what is unresolved from your past. Your parents may have been emotionally unavailable, and so your subconscious will propel you towards unavailable partners in an attempt to heal the wounds of the past. And guess what? That just creates more pain.

It’s not uncommon for me to see clients who prove to be subconsciously trying to address abandonment issues by going out with a narcissist – the perfect representative cause of their traumatic or unfulfilling childhood experiences.   

So, your subconscious doesn’t necessarily see the script in the way that you do. In his (or her) version, there are high speed chases, car crashes, jealous rivals, angry protagonists, high drama and arguments. Lots of arguments.

Your head may be filled with an exotic, pulsating romance set in the Orient or the glittering nightscape of New York, but what your subconscious will instead make is a drama-documentary set in the ordinary context of real life. Your real life.

You see a Hollywood ending. Your subconscious sees the opportunity to resolve the unresolved. And what you get is a B-reel destined to go straight to video (or, in today’s money, straight to download).

Hollywood loves to sell us the 90-minute dream. We’re conditioned to believe that love really can be forged in the time that it takes to consume a big bag of popcorn. But the reality is that good things take time and if the relationship you’re in is heavy on drama then the chances are you’re not starring in the main feature.

Very few of us go into a relationship knowing it will end. What’s the point? Most of the time life’s too short. The sex might be great, but contrary to what your hormones might be saying at the time, it doesn’t necessarily buy permanence.

In the main, we commit to other people because we think there’s a future in it.

Forget the first few dates when we’re flush with excitement and promise. In those early days, we’re all walking adverts for ourselves anyway. We say, do and wear the right things. We crank up empathy, sympathy and compassion, while tenderness and consideration get dialled up to 11. But in the end, it always takes time to find out who the other person really is.

Problems in relationships often come when they start fast. You meet someone, and it feels like you’ve been hit by a train. You’ve found ‘the one’. I call these ‘cosmic relationships’ – but intensity is not intimacy and while fast-forwarding the future can be a fix for the emptiness of the present, true love rarely happens in two  days, even two dreamlike days. 

There’s also a danger that in putting the other person in a box labelled ‘Soul Mate’, you create a high level of expectation very quickly – and when that person fails to live up to it, the disappointment is that much greater.

When commitment is too fast the relationship doesn’t have the chance to develop the trust that’s needed for both people to be able to reveal their shortcomings and imperfections.

We all have those – the inability to see our role in past relationship catastrophes, our short temper, tendency towards guilt-tripping and other less than glossy aspects that we tend not to reveal in the first couple of months.

As British philosopher Alain De Botton says: “A standard question on any initial dinner date should simply be: ‘So in what particular ways are you crazy?”

In cosmic relationships launched on fantasy, the eventual appearance of our less-than-charming characteristics means the other person can feel as though they’ve been victims of false advertising.  

Intensity is like Styrofoam – it takes up lots of space, but it lacks substance. There’s no room for authenticity or intimacy. I see many clients who continually mistake intensity for intimacy, but intimacy takes time. By contrast, intensity is often instant – just as it is also often unavailability, too.   

The key elements of a B-Movie are drama, intensity, breathlessness, no boundaries, self-abandonment – the perfect ingredients for a super toxic relationship soup.

The antidote? 

It’s important to look at the subconscious issues at play and resolve them and that means understanding that it’s not down to being ‘unlucky in love’ or ‘not having met the right person yet’ or any of the other twaddle we are fed by the media

If you are continually attracting the ‘same’ kind of unhealthy relationship the chances are you’re playing a part in effectively re-creating your trauma in your relationships, and it’s vital to put an end to that negative pattern. That means finding a way of clearing out toxic beliefs about love and self in your past.  Yes this does take both work and time, but the alternative is an existence of emotional pain.

Ultimately, it’s about learning to love yourself because the stronger we get, and the more we fill our lives with love, joy, and positive actions, the less we will enter these combustible liaisons. The more solid our sense of self-esteem and sense of self, the less we feel we need to fill an emotional void with the ‘fix’ of another person who comes on like a freight train in less than a hot minute. 

Trusting in our path and worth should give us the confidence and grounding to know that taking things slowly can and will yield everything we desire, eventually. And the more solid our sense of self-love and worth, the more likely we are to recognise who will be a good life partner, and have a relationship that really works 

But it requires the willingness to look at our own part in what we are re-creating,  setting the intention to make different choices combined with the patience to walk mindfully through the initial clumsy bit of dating to find out who we’re really giving ourselves to. 

If you’ve been lucky, you’ll end up with that Hollywood ending. If not, you may well just have to re-write your movie script.


Anxiety Isn’t Love

Red Bondage

I have a question for you, but before I ask it, I want you to picture the scene.

Imagine that every evening at 7pm you leave your house and take a 30-minute walk into town to the same bar. You sit in the same chair at the same table and you order the same drink, because it’s your favourite and it’s the only place for miles where you can buy it.

But the problem is that every night, at 9pm, a well-dressed and apparently normal guy walks into the bar, comes over to your table and punches you in the face.

This happens every night, every week, every month. Without fail.

My question is, would you stop going to the bar? Or would you keep going, but ask your doctor to prescribe something to help you cope with the pain you know you’ll be dealing with every night?

You’d stop going to the bar, wouldn’t you? Forget the fact it’s the only place where you can get your favourite drink, it’s not worth the pain. So, it’s a stupid question, right?

Well, not really.

Continue reading…

Relationships, Boundaries & The Power Of ‘No’

Relationships, Boundaries & The Power Of 'No'

The greatest way to nourish your heart is to discover the power and beauty of honouring your own boundaries. To do this well, you have to be clear enough in your own awareness to know who you really are and what you truly want. Have you ever said yes to someone when it was really a no? It doesn’t feel good. When we abandon ourselves like that we tend to retract a little from the world. Our spirit pulls back, we are likely to resent the person that has asked us and we lose faith in ourselves a little bit. In some small we have betrayed ourselves and the knock on affect overtime means we are not fully safe or self-expressed.

That is why there is great beauty to be found in deepening your capacity to lovingly say “no”.  By being clear about what feels good and right for you in the moment is a fundamental part of loving yourself and living a life that feels good. This means it is likely you will be able to trust yourself more and it also means that other people will feel a greater depth of confidence from you. Continue reading…


Why Meeting Yourself With Love Is So Important

Why Meeting Yourself With Love Is So Important

Nourishing your heart involves making a practice of loving every aspect of yourself. This is about embracing all of your inner world too. This includes those parts of you that are responsible for some of your greatest challenges. Many people have parts of themselves that are closed down to love, push away opportunity and sabotage their best attempts to make positive changes in their lives. It can be tempting to attack these parts of your mind, making them wrong and blaming them for everything that is difficult in your life.  Unfortunately that only makes matters worse. If you do have parts of yourself that seem set against you, they are working on some level to serve you. They always are. Yes, those parts may be serving you in wholly destructive ways, underpinning any number of terribly limiting behaviours and beliefs but those parts will be doing that with your best interests at heart. Somewhere in the middle of their motivation is a desire to keep you safe.

Changing behaviour only works in a real and lasting way if we can get every aspect of ourselves into alignment. It is about negotiating with yourself so that every part of you comes into agreement. Then it no longer involves any will power. Will power is when one part of you wants one thing and another wants something else and you go to war against an aspect of yourself.  True transformation comes from realising on a deep level what truly serves you. This is not a chore, a duty or a loss. It is a gift of love. From there, there is no more struggle or effort required. So, how do you bring those parts of you into agreement? Continue reading…


The Problem With Getting Swept Off Your Feet (Is That You Can Land Up On Your Head)

The Problem With Getting Swept Off Your Feet (Is That You Can Land Up On Your Head)

I’ve come to realise that we’re all living with a terrible affliction, a curse of the modern age that infects almost every walk of life. It’s called The Lure Of The Instant. In the words of the immortal Freddie Mercury, we want it all … and we want it now.

If it isn’t delivered today, we’re not interested. We want music now. Books now. Films now. Our favourite TV shows now. Download speeds must be superfast, fast food faster and a quick buck easier to make.

The days when we sent our photos off to Boots and waited a week for them to come back seem almost prehistoric. Getting online through a dial-up connection that took ten minutes to deliver the world to our screen ridiculous. Using mail order to get a CD delivered preposterous (and what the hell is a CD anyway, right?)

And this malaise, this creeping and often malevolent virus also contaminates our romantic lives. Think not? Two words: speed dating.

Continue reading…

Is Your Subconscious Mind Making You Involuntarily Single?

Is Your Subconscious Mind Making You Involuntarily Single?

If you haven’t been in a relationship for a long time despite a deep desire to be, it could be down to one of the following;

1. Your (subconscious) fear of getting hurt is stronger than your (conscious) desire to be in a relationship – this could be due to being disappointed or betrayed in a previous relationship or relationships, but if often goes back to childhood fears about love and being loved, based on your relationship with your family or your parents relationships with each other.

2. It’s a self-esteem or confidence issue – perhaps deep down you feel you don’t deserve to be in a happy relationship, don’t feel ‘good enough’ or simply don’t believe you are attractive enough. It’s no secret that a good relationship with yourself is the key to a good relationship with others, and this is especially true of romantic partnerships.

3. There are unresolved issues with your ex – if a relationship ended abruptly, and you experienced real heartbreak then a part of you can be holding onto that relationship or it may be that you came to the unconscious decision ‘I will never let that happen to me again’, both of which block the flow to someone new entering your life.

4. Your ‘type’ isn’t really your type – you can unconsciously choose people that aren’t really ‘available’ as it’s a safe option (see point 1). If a certain type isn’t working out for you it may be worth looking at your motivation for your choice and ‘updating your script’ to attract someone more suitable for a successful relationship.

Continue reading…

Additional Credits

Video by Weeks360.

Photography by Liz Bishop Photography.

Production by Mark Norman at Little Joe Media and Joanne Brooks.

Hair by Jonny Albutt.

Make up by Olly Fisk and Nabeel Hussain.