Sexbots – The Ultimate Emotional Anorexia?

Futuristic Selection Of Female Cyborgs Aroud Picky Man

Before you plunge into this, I need you to set aside your prejudice and your judgement and your preconceptions and find a place of honesty, because what I’m about to write requires thought to override instinct.

A recent one-off documentary on Channel 4 called The Sex Robots Are Coming chronicled the arrival of an artificially intelligent, fully mobile, communicating doll designed to have sex with a human.

If you missed it, it was, in many ways, compulsively fascinating. And in others, it was deeply disturbing and more than a little creepy, for reasons that I suspect may not be entirely obvious to everybody.

On one level, this latest development can be passed off as a piece of technological whimsy that serves as an astonishing testament to the progress of man’s innovation. And, I suppose, there’s merit in acknowledging these robots purely on that basis.

And let’s be honest here, it’s more than invidious in this day and age to feign a mask of prudish disgust that there should be a need to build machines for men and women to have sex with (20% of the potential sex robot market is thought to be women who want a male sex doll).

Show me a man with a pulse and I’ll show you the boy who likely began his relationship with sex and/or pornography by stealing a peek at the dog-eared copy of Playboy his dad kept in the garage. And surely there can’t be many women left for whom the word rabbit only conjures sepia-toned childhood memories of Watership Down.

There is no place now for moral indignation over the availability of material designed to help you to orgasm in your own company or, if you choose, the company of others. It’s been a part of the furniture for too long.

But there is a serious question here about what the advent of a walking, talking non-human sex partner costing up to £8,000 says about our relationship with ourselves, with other people and with the psychology of sex.

The economics are pretty simple. The sex robots are here because there’s a demand for them. And it’s what sits behind that demand that, to me, is the issue.

Modern life is a powerful advocate for society to become increasingly disconnected. We share our lives on social media apps and become addicted to them as we hunger for the approval of others. Addiction to pornography is on the rise. Drug and alcohol addiction continues to chew up police and medical resources. And gambling addiction is also climbing.

All of these addictions are, to some extent, a way for people to avoid true emotional intimacy with themselves. The arrival of the sex robot ramps that disconnection up to a whole new level because it’s an overt way of designing humans out of a human experience. 

Sex robots represent super-charged emotional anorexia, a very real condition which creates an addiction to doing nothing about – or hiding – a huge fear of intimacy which, in turn, is underpinned by fear of abandonment.

If anyone can think of a better example than a sex robot of something inherently designed to prevent us having to deal with true physical and emotional intimacy, then I’d like to hear it.

Emotional and/or social anorectics and people with anorectic tendencies have different behaviour patterns. They may seek out the company of many people to avoid having to manage a more intimate social situation with one person. Others feel overwhelmed by all social environments. Others still will shun social interaction completely, or quietly take a back seat.

Anorexia is a master of the incognito and so is often difficult to recognise. It is more than just fear of intimacy – we all suffer with that to one degree or another within the parameters of traits like shyness or modesty that might be defined as ‘normal’ – it is the active process of doing nothing to trust or commit or allow oneself to become vulnerable enough to experience intimacy with another human being.

When I work with victims of abandonment trauma – and trauma always has an element of abandonment in it, since it invariable happens in isolation or is an isolating experience – I continually find people who are suffering with emotional anorexia

When people attempt to give them love, they struggle to receive it and, prior to treatment, have preferred to remain in a state of emotional starvation rather than risk abandonment, which is their deepest fear.

Some behaviours that can be symptoms of emotional anorexia are perfectly normal on their own, as long as they’re transient.

Not found the right person to share your life with, temporarily or otherwise, yet? That’s fine, it can take time.

Not finding the right ‘tribe’ to fit in with is okay, as long as you know there’s a tribe you do want to be part of.

Happy in your own company? Great – provided you’re also comfortable in the company of others.

Choosing independence to build self-reliance? Good for you. Just don’t let independence be the word you use to describe loneliness.

And so it goes on. Individual characteristics of emotional anorexia on their own aren’t necessarily indicative of a problem. But if they’re all present all the time? Well, that’s a definite red flag.

The story of Davecat, a man who lives with two sex dolls, makes for fascinating reading and lends some weight to how sex robots and emotional anorexia are linked.

Davecat’s blog reveals that he consistently went for unavailable people, suggesting entrenched compromised self-esteem, abandonment & emotional anorexia issues and I highlight his story for no other reason than to make two points.

First that I find it concerning that synthesised human-lookalikes are already seen as a replacement for people like Davecat, who are already acutely and often clinically isolated; second that in providing the dolls we make it almost impossible for the Davecats of the world to have even the slightest chance of working through their underlying issues.

But there are darker concerns, too. What, I wonder, are the dangers that in the hands of socially awkward shy young men, the use of sex dolls with human attributes might reinforce objectification and exploitation of women, just as studies show extreme pornography can?

Regardless of whether that’s a question we can yet answer, it’s a certain fact that sex robots will do nothing at all to upskill their users socially. Ignore the stories that the robots’ makers spin about ‘helping’ people who struggle with human interaction. The reverse is far more likely to be true for no other reason than the robots aren’t human

Conversely, the debate around sex robots has also included hand-wringing contributions from people who talk darkly about the machines becoming a replacement for men and women. That seems faintly ridiculous to me, because well-adjusted people will never choose to routinely sleep with a robot.

Those at risk are the majority of the people who will use them and who are dealing with social isolation and trauma.

And for those who argue, as the makers of the robots do, that one benefit will be the provision of physical and emotional companionship for widowers, that’s nonsense. In fact, it’s far more likely that instead they will simply magnify the sense of loss, prolong grief and encourage greater loneliness.

The technology that created these dolls may be advanced, but the emotional intelligence certainly isn’t.   


Why Is No-One Talking About The ‘Why’?

Why Is No-One Talking About The 'Why'?

We’ve probably all been in a situation at least once where we’ve been caught up in a debate with someone who has a point of view which is the polar opposite of our own.

Often these conversations revolve around subjects which might be contentious or controversial or simply evoke tension. During the exchange, it’s likely that you’ve spent a fair amount of time laying out a logical, well-considered argument with examples to illustrate the message you’re trying to convey.

And when it comes to the other person’s time to respond, they simply regurgitate their own opinion – which, of course, barely offers a nod of recognition to your carefully manicured opinions. 

And in your head you’re screaming: BUT YOU’RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT!!

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The (Vital) Difference Between Hope & Fantasy

The (Vital) Difference Between Hope & Fantasy

For two words with such distinctly different definitions, the tendency for hope and fantasy to be confused for each other is remarkable. They are, of course, linked – but mistaking one for the other can have toxic outcomes.

We can’t live without hope. That’s why, as the old saw says, it dies last. And given the uncertain and turbulent times in which we currently live, that’s nothing if not reassuring: there are worse ways to live than in the enduring belief that things will ultimately get better.

Fantasy – the imagining of impossible or improbable things – also has its place. As the 19th Century Russian anarchist Mikhail Bakunin observed, by striving to do the impossible man has always achieved what is possible. Without fantasy to fuel the hopes and dreams of humankind, it’s entirely possible we would still be drawing on the walls of caves.

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Hypnotherapy In Later Life

Hypnotherapy In Later Life

There’s a tendency to look at older people and envy them the simplicity of their lives. Unless there are obvious signs of failing physical, mental or financial health, it’s easy to see people in their twilight years as a generation that’s found contentment.

As the rest of us hurtle pell-mell through the frenetic hub of an eat-sleep-work-repeat existence, it’s easy to look on with some degree of jealousy at how the pace of life has slowed for those of a certain vintage.

In our eyes, they have acquired the greatest wealth of all: time. And at the same time, we envy the fact they are unburdened by work or financial worries. It’s easy to tell ourselves that those beyond working age are care-free and happy.

But in many cases, it’s fallacy.

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The Imperfect Pursuit of Perfection

The Imperfect Pursuit of Perfection

Life, it seems, has become an endless pursuit of perfection. The perfect partner, the perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect face. 

Except, of course, it’s never enough. No matter what we achieve, we keep redefining what we mean by perfection. Yet I’d argue that when we define perfection, we’re instead allowing ourselves to be defined by how we want to be seen by others.

This is certainly true of celebrities. The rock stars, film icons and sporting heroes who occupy the unrelenting attention of the world’s media live in a strange and terrifying alternate reality in which they are presented with an image of themselves and experience the suffocating pressure of trying to live up to it.

A life of celebrity can be almost Orwellian, where the definition of self can become so blurred that the person in the spotlight in turn becomes convinced that the image they see on the news, in the papers and on film is actually who they are or should become.

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Why Meeting Yourself With Love Is So Important

Why Meeting Yourself With Love Is So Important

Nourishing your heart involves making a practice of loving every aspect of yourself. This is about embracing all of your inner world too. This includes those parts of you that are responsible for some of your greatest challenges. Many people have parts of themselves that are closed down to love, push away opportunity and sabotage their best attempts to make positive changes in their lives. It can be tempting to attack these parts of your mind, making them wrong and blaming them for everything that is difficult in your life.  Unfortunately that only makes matters worse. If you do have parts of yourself that seem set against you, they are working on some level to serve you. They always are. Yes, those parts may be serving you in wholly destructive ways, underpinning any number of terribly limiting behaviours and beliefs but those parts will be doing that with your best interests at heart. Somewhere in the middle of their motivation is a desire to keep you safe.

Changing behaviour only works in a real and lasting way if we can get every aspect of ourselves into alignment. It is about negotiating with yourself so that every part of you comes into agreement. Then it no longer involves any will power. Will power is when one part of you wants one thing and another wants something else and you go to war against an aspect of yourself.  True transformation comes from realising on a deep level what truly serves you. This is not a chore, a duty or a loss. It is a gift of love. From there, there is no more struggle or effort required. So, how do you bring those parts of you into agreement? Continue reading…


You Don’t Throw Away A Mercedes Because It’s Got A Scratch

You Don't Throw Away A Mercedes Because It's Got A Scratch

Everywhere we look we see things that are supposed to make us prettier, hotter, thinner, richer, smarter, more popular.  Advertising feeds off the very premise ‘you are not enough, but with this you could be’.

The voracious rise of social media has only exacerbated this – the relentless daily bombardment of glossy perfectionism supported by the current trend of wholly transparent captioning.   Pretence: “Guys, look at this beautiful ocean!” Subtext: “Check out my bikini body! I’ve worked sooooo hard to look this supreme!’

And then there are the nauseating hashtags that even some of the most intelligent of celebrities do not appear to be immune to: #sugarfreediet #eatclean #beachbodyready #nodaysoff. For many, Instagram has become, I suspect, an exhausting and relentless life-long competition. It’s the ultimate example of Keeping Up With The Joneses.

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If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

In the build up to New Year, all the changes we want to make can feel exciting.  But when it actually arrives, those resolutions can feel more than a little daunting to broach. Where do we start to begin tackling all – or even some – of those unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving that we really are so eager to transform?   

This can be especially daunting if we have a previous history of dumping resolutions on the scrap-heap before the month is even out.

When we see this happening we have a tendency to get heavy with the self-reproach, which of course never helps anyone.  Whatever we beat ourselves up for doing – or not doing – we often continue to do – or not do – more of that very same thing.   Guilt unfortunately seeks punishment.

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When You Wish Hindsight Would Hurry The Hell Up…

When You Wish Hindsight Would Hurry The Hell Up...

It’s painful not getting what you want.  However what we want is not always necessarily what we need and when we look back we can see that it was a blessing. Admittedly when caught up in the maelstrom of angst and yearning for what you cannot have that can be nigh impossible to see, at the time. It’s only with the 20/20 vision of hindsight that we are able to rest in ‘I’m glad that didn’t work out’.  With the beauty of time and space, in looking back we can see the positives in the reasons things did not go to plan.  However if we cannot manage this then hopefully we can grow to feel more neutral and at peace because time brings acceptance.

Let it also be said, that hindsight, while it is enormously valuable, and builds your wisdom reserves like nothing else on earth, can also be a bit of a bitch.

Every single one of us can look back and see how we would have done some things differently.  With the knowing of how choices have panned out we can see with stellar clarity where we would have made different decisions. The job you didn’t go for – that was actually your perfect role. The things you’d said in an argument – that you really wish you hadn’t. The money you excitedly poured into a business venture – that went nowhere. The true feelings you wish you’d expressed about something – that would have changed everything had you possessed the courage at the time! And so on.

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Additional Credits

Video by Weeks360.

Photography by Liz Bishop Photography.

Production by Mark Norman at Little Joe Media and Joanne Brooks.

Hair by Jonny Albutt.

Make up by Olly Fisk and Nabeel Hussain.