Someone struggling badly often shows it in small, easy-to-miss changes long before they say anything. This article explains what those changes can look like at work and how to check in without making things worse.
If you’re worried someone may be in danger right now, call 999. For urgent, non-emergency support, Samaritans are free and available 24 hours a day on 116 123.
You’ve probably had the thought before. Something feels off with a colleague, but you can’t quite say what.
Maybe they’ve gone quiet in meetings where they used to speak up. Maybe they’re staying later than usual, or barely showing up at all. Maybe you just have a feeling, and you’re not sure whether to say something or leave it alone.
As a specialist in PTSD, complex trauma and self-esteem, I’ve spent a lot of time with people whose distress seemed invisible to those around them. Almost all of them say the same thing afterwards: they wish someone had asked.
Why Is It So Hard to Tell When Someone Is Struggling?
People who are struggling don’t usually announce it. Often they’re doing the opposite, working hard to appear fine, because admitting otherwise feels frightening, shameful or simply inconvenient in a busy workplace.
This is especially true at work, where there’s pressure to seem capable and in control. Someone can be falling apart privately while still hitting deadlines and smiling in the corridor.
That’s part of why the signs are often quiet ones. They’re changes, not announcements.
What Are the Signs Someone Might Be Struggling?
No single sign tells you very much on its own. What matters more is change, something that’s different from how this person usually is.
- Withdrawing from conversations or colleagues they used to be close to
- A noticeable drop in energy, focus or standard of work
- Increased irritability, tearfulness or flatness of mood
- Turning up late, leaving early or being absent more than usual
- Talking about themselves as a burden, or saying things feel pointless
- Losing interest in things they used to care about, including their work
- Neglecting their appearance or usual routines
- Suddenly working much longer hours than usual, or using work to avoid everything else
Overworking is easy to miss because it looks like the opposite of struggling. It can be someone burying themselves in something they can control rather than sitting with what they can’t.
How Do You Start the Conversation?
Most people worry they’ll say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. In my experience, a direct, gentle question does far less harm than silence.
You don’t need the perfect words. Something simple works:
“I’ve noticed you don’t seem quite yourself lately. Is everything okay?”
“You don’t have to talk about it, but I wanted you to know I’ve noticed, and I’m here if you want to.”
Ask when you have time to actually listen, not in passing between meetings. Find somewhere private. Then let them talk more than you do.
What If They Say They’re Fine?
They might. That’s alright.
You don’t need to push. Simply saying you’ve noticed something, without demanding an explanation, often matters more than getting an answer on the spot. People frequently open up later, once they know the door is open.
You can leave it there for now: “Okay. Just know I meant it, and you can come to me anytime.”
What If You’re Genuinely Worried?
Sometimes a conversation leaves you more concerned, not less. If someone talks about feeling hopeless, like a burden, or like there’s no way out, take that seriously rather than assuming they’re exaggerating.
You don’t need to have the answers. Asking directly whether they’re having thoughts of harming themselves does not put the idea in their head and does not make things worse. It usually brings relief, because it means someone else can see how bad things have got.
If you’re seriously worried that someone might be in danger right now, stay with them if you can and call 999. Samaritans are also there for anything that feels urgent, free and available 24 hours a day on 116 123.
You are not responsible for fixing this alone, and you shouldn’t try to be. Your role is to notice, to ask and to help someone find the right support, not to provide therapy yourself.
What About Outside of Work?
Everything here applies just as much to a friend or family member as it does to a colleague. The signs look much the same wherever you see them, and the same honest, direct question works in any relationship.
Work is simply where many of us spend the most time around other people, which is often where these changes are noticed first, even when the cause has nothing to do with work at all.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I get it wrong and there’s nothing actually going on?
That’s a good outcome, not an awkward one. Most people are glad someone cared enough to ask, even if the answer is genuinely that they’re fine.
Isn’t this something managers or HR should handle, not colleagues?
Formal support has its place, and serious concerns should be raised with your manager or HR. But most of the moments that matter happen informally, one person noticing another and saying something. You don’t need a job title to do that well.
What if they get upset or angry that I asked?
It happens occasionally, and it’s usually about the pressure they’re under, not about you. A calm, non-judgemental “I just wanted to check” is enough. You haven’t done anything wrong by noticing.
Can hypnotherapy or therapy actually help with this kind of struggle?
Yes, though it isn’t a substitute for urgent or crisis support when that’s what’s needed. Talking therapies such as counselling are usually the first port of call, and are widely available through a GP. Hypnotherapy can be a helpful complement to these approaches, particularly where someone’s distress is rooted in PTSD, complex trauma or a longstanding loss of self-esteem, working alongside other therapy to address what’s underneath it rather than just the symptoms on the surface.
You Don’t Have to Get It Perfect
You don’t need training to notice that someone isn’t themselves. You don’t need the right script to ask. What you do need is empathy: the willingness to sit with someone else’s discomfort without rushing to fix it, and to keep the door open if the answer isn’t yes straight away.
Noticing is not a small thing. For a lot of people, it’s the first moment someone else could see what they were carrying.
If this raises anything for you, whether it’s about supporting someone else or something you’re carrying yourself, you’re welcome to get in touch with me here for a confidential conversation.
