Why do some people develop an attraction to criminals or people who have a bad reputation in general?
Sexual attraction to criminals is known as hybristophilia. Childhood, our most formative years, have an enormous part to play in who we are attracted to, people who are attracted to criminals are more likely to have childhood trauma.
With childhood trauma there are changes to cortisol levels, there are long term impacts on the HPA axis, hippocampus, amygdala and prefrontal cortex. This can lead to difficulty with both emotional regulation and forming healthy relationships. Difficulties in forming healthy relationships due to historical trauma can lead to people being drawn to those they believe they can ‘fix’ or ‘change’ to fulfil a desire or validation and control.
If there has been grave injury to the psyche such as physical, emotional, sexual abuse or neglect then for that adult ‘trauma becomes chemistry’ and we ‘seek the teeth that bit us’. The subconscious always goes for what feels familiar, so if you grew up in Dynasty levels of toxic drama and your childhood was a broiling ocean of adrenalin then it makes sense (if not to the outside World) that you are drawn to a someone that is sociopathic, psychopathic or Machevillian, because they feel like ‘home’.
When you’ve had an abusive childhood your fight or flight signals are mixed up so you go towards danger rather than away from it.
Emotionally healthy, well regulated people may feel boring and like there is ‘no charge’.
The subconscious mind also wants to resolve what was unsatisfactory in childhood so, like a heat seeking missile searching out it’s True North, it goes towards those that represent some unresolved aspect of childhood e.g. being with someone in prison although you are not personally, can represent a sense of control.
Likewise a high cortisol childhood means you will search for that neurochemical cocktail in all its forms. This can be through high risk behaviours (maladaptive coping mechanisms) and being attracted to others that engage in high-risk behaviours too.
It is also worth noting that women are overwhelmingly more likely to be attracted to criminals than men are. Criminals are deemed to have power dominance, some women like to be dominated. Criminals like Ted Bundy have been sexualised by the media.
The ‘bad boy’ archeype has long been glamourised, women often like bad boys as they ‘present’ as having high self esteem (despite it not being the case) and indeed it has been sold as that: bad boy sex appeal equals assertive, dominant, confident, self-assured.
Some women are ultimately looking to experience a state of surrender and so unknowingly they are seeking extreme sexual pleasure: a peak state of surrender by being attracted to ‘bad boys’ who can dominate them and give them the experience of being sexually submissive.
However, for many women who are unable to discern between a high risk behaviour and a safe and healthy form of sexual submission this can lead to problems. Jack Morin PHD talks about the ‘prisoners of prohibition’ in his book The Erotic Mind. He shares ‘Many people grew up in homes so permeated with antisexual restrictions that the drama of violating prohibitions has become their central feature of eroticism.’ It’s the very hidden nature of their sex life that is highly erotic for them. When they feel aroused with sex that should be off the table as per society’s norms they then experience significant feelings of guilt, remorse and shame.
Ultimately being repeatedly attracted to dangerous people is ‘repetition compulsion’, a maladaptive unconscious attempt to heal the original wound from childhood. Emotionally women can be attracted to bad boys because they are hoping to finally get that person who is withholding love and affection to suddenly see how wonderful they are and give them the love they never got from their father/mother/caregiver.
Even though from the outside looking in the relationship may seem unhealthy or toxic, from the inside the person is actually feeling a sense of safety in the familiar. Because it’s what they grew up with in their traumatic childhood. As humans we find the familiar safe. There is a high someone gets from feeling unsafe, cortisol and dopamine and stress chemicals that get confused for intense sexual chemistry which in turn gets confused for love.
How can people deal with the shame and guilt that can come with such attractions?
Speak to a therapist or sex and relationship coach to understand why your attraction has to be so cattle-prod extreme in order for you to feel stimulated and aroused. Fantasies can be harmless and great for your sex life, however they can also be dangerous if acted upon if it involves a very high risk person and potential harm to yourself. Getting married to a serial murderer on Death Row might feel ‘familiar’ and ‘strangely safe’ but it’s important to ask yourself why. Only getting off sexually with extreme fantasies about dangerous people might be a habit but again it’s important to be curious with yourself about the origins.
By speaking with a trauma informed sex therapist or coach to explore the underlying reasons as to why you are compelled to seek these types of relationship and to understand the very understandable reasons why danger such a turn on for you.
To first release the shame first you need to understand you are feeling shame in the first place. Toxic shame begins in childhood, it’s sneaky and insidious as it tells us that our very being is bad, that our feelings and thoughts are unacceptable which then further drives us into the impossible attractions.. So when you work with a therapist/coach one of the first things that you can do is to learn to separate out the part of you that is feeling shame and begin to have a conversation with this part of you. Find out how it feels, what it needs to hear, and become your own best friend to the shame part. Shame thrives in secrecy and multiplies, so by expressing it and talking to someone you trust in a non judgemental kind space it can begin to metabolise. The antidote to shame is compassion.
Individuals feel guilt when they feel they are acting outside of their moral framework, and it is highly conflicting desiring and even falling in love with someone who has done deep harm to others, there can be a strong awareness that it’s not socially acceptable and therefore would be judged for these romantic choices so therefore feelings of guilt arise. Again talking to a therapist or coach can be invaluable to work through these emotions.
Then you can start to gain understanding of the origin of your attraction and begin to see how it makes sense why you would find yourself attracted to criminals.
It’s from this place of awareness and understanding that you can then explore whether you would like to change who you are attracted to.
